Feb 28, 2014

Expecto Patronum.

I have never been one to try and stop someone from walking out of my life. If you want to leave, theres the door. Because ultimately, what you see is what you get. I very rarely walk away from people. And when I have, I realize the toxicity they put into my life. It is very easy to become blinded by the person that they actually are. There has been a couple of instances in my life where that has happened. You come out a better person for it. Like I told someone today, they are in your past for a reason, they are behind you, beneath you. When you meet people who suck the happiness from your life, expecto patronum that shit and move on. That's all you can do. Dwelling on it, does nothing for you, but puts the negativity in your heart. So buck up. Eat some damn chocolate. And brush it off. Because it ain't nothing but a hair flip. 

I have been really slacking guys... I haven't been to the gym. I don't know what is with me. I think I am just ready for this move. I am hoping after we get settled, I will be back in there. I have some good motivation, both of my SIL's are going, and they are kicking butt. I just need to get that consistency down. Too bad I look like Honey Boo Boo's mom running....

Oh yeah, THAT face and all...

Told ya, haha, why do I look like I have Chiclets on my teeth? Gah. I am so cute. Is it sad that my double chin makes me happy? Not that I have one, just the fact that its smaller than it used to be. I mean used to I didn't have to attempt the double chin, it was just there. Of course, it was more like a triple chin..

I am really enjoying writing this blog. I've head a few readers from different countries (shout out). I think that is absolutely amazing. And what's even more amazing, is that they keep coming back! Thank you to everyone. You are now all apart of my journey :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.


Feb 27, 2014

This ones for you.

I will be the first person that will listen, the first person to tell you it's okay, the first person to tell that you need to get your shit together. And the last person to leave. It's hard to stay motivated. I know that all too well. I have stopped and started again and again and again. It almost seems like an endless cycle. But there's only one person who can break that cycle.

You're allowed to have bad days. You're allowed to cheat. Everyone falls off the wagon. So what if you have fallen off 30 times? So what if you have gained 5 pounds? It sucks, yes. BUT, the greatest thing is, YOU CAN START AGAIN.

Everyone has their own journey, every struggle is different. No ones is better than your, or worse. I know that I am not one to talk about stuff like this. I have given up a thousand and one times. But, at least I some how manage to pick myself up again. And here recently, you have been a lot of that reason. If you haven't gone through everything that God has thrown your way, you wouldn't know how strong you are. You might not be the loving compassionate person that so many have fallen in love with. This is a work in progress. Time is one of our biggest enemies. But, time will pass anyways. Whether you start today, tomorrow, or next year. Time doesn't slow down for you, so don't slow down for it. If having a mall cookie gets you through today, then bust it that much harder in the gym tomorrow.
Just remember what you have accomplished. Don't look at how much further you have to go, look at how far you have come. Not just physically, but mentally as well. We took a big step a year ago, and we will continue to make those steps. 4 steps forward, 2 steps back? That's okay, because we are still further than we were yesterday. 

I love you to the stars. 

And on the note, I must bid you adieu. 

Feb 26, 2014

Carol. Get your s*** together Carol!

Welp.. Nothing like a Wednesday that feels like a Monday. I got up early, and felt great. I even left the house before 7:30, which that never happens to me. I forgot I had to get gas, so I pull into the gas station. Here I am, just pumping gas like a normal person, and then all of a sudden it just starts overflowing. Can a b**** not get some kind of a warning? Needless to say, I had to change clothes and will probably smell like a truck stop the rest of the day.

This week has surprising gone by pretty quickly. Saturday is moving day! I couldn't be happier. I can't wait to be in a house, to not have to walk around a building and up the steps ("But it's exercise." "Oh yeah? Well, when the wind chill is negative 1000, and there are no trees to block the wind, Or when you have your body weight in groceries and have to walk 10 miles to your door, I'd call it a pain the ass.") The best part is we will have a backyard! We can literally throw our dogs out of the window to go to the bathroom. Taking lazy to a whole new level.

I'm just going to be honest with everyone, I haven't been super strict on my cleanse. I still have tons of energy though! Just haven't lost any weight since the last time. Which is fine. The challenge isn't over yet. I did have sweet tea the past couple of days. I can tell the BIGGEST difference in my face when I go from water to tea. It gets puffy and my skin isn't as smooth. You would think that would be enough reason for me to not detour from my goals. But, its not. Why? I'd really like to know myself. I don't understand my logic in things sometimes. One of my HUGE faults is that if I am upset, I want food. I want fattening, greasy, artery clogging food. I throw every goal out the window. I don't care if I am fat that day. I hate that I do that. Food is my biggest comfort. I would really rather be one of those people who doesn't eat when they are depressed. I would be so thin by now. But, I am the type of person who thinks about eating all day. Every day. I have breakfast, "What's for lunch?" and the same thing with dinner. I have always been this way. Even when I am sick, I just want food. The day I got my tonsils taken out, my bitch ass was eating chik-fil-a. If I like veggies, and fruit, then I think a lot of my eating wouldn't be an issue. I was raised on meat, potatoes and fast food. I'm trying to get better about the fast food. We save a lot more money when we just by groceries. Most of the time I hate cooking. By the time I get home, take the dogs out, and get them settled, I am too tired to cook. Which is an excuse. I just need to MAKE myself. Sometimes I have issues (I don't know if you could call it control issues or not), when my friends make bad decisions, it gets to me, and I want to help them correct it, But when I make bad decisions, I make them over and over. (Regarding food). Why do I expect others to take my advice, if I don't take my own? Practice what you preach, right? I wish it were that simple, I wish I could just get up right now, and say "HEY, change. Just do it." Change takes time. I am a nail biter, I have done it ever since I was little. I haven't bit my nails in 3 weeks. That is an accomplishment. The 21 days to break/form a habit is a myth. With different things, it takes longer. I know nail biting isn't really comparable to food habits. But it is a small goal. It is one step close to the self control I need to learn. I have said it before, but acting on impulse is my thing. Just ask my credit cards... I want to learn self discipline. I want to be more disciplined in so many aspects of my life.

So, there you have it. My BEFORE. My present. As you can see, my belly is my MAIN area that I need to correct. My legs are awesome. I am super proud of them. My arms aren't that big. I am kind of slouching a bit, but either way. That's a big ole' belly. I am the only person that can do something about it. I am the only person who can change it.  

Before I lost all my weight, (when I was at 317 lbs), I wore dresses constantly. I thought it masked the appearance of my stomach. Now, I wear them because I like the way I feel in them. Plus, look how attractive I look.. At 317 lbs, I never wanted to wear jeans. I felt so uncomfortable. I hated it. The way it shaped me. Today, I am still not too fond of the way it shapes me, but I am confident enough to wear them. Lately though, I have been wearing leggings. Leggings and a baggy shirt. Now THAT'S a fat girls best friend. 

Ain't that the truth. Most of the time your clothes stretch with you. When they stop, is when you know you have a problem. Laying on the bed, ATTEMPTING to button and zip jeans, is not attractive. But, I own every pound, every ounce and every inch that I have gained/lost. No one will do it for you. So, put those big girl panties on (if they still fit) and get on it.
 Don't just talk about it. BE about it.



Feb 23, 2014

How I get by.

If you know me well, you know what I have been through. I have MONTHS where I am completely fine. And then I have that one day where I just absolutely break down. I would like to take a second and commend my brain, I tend to push out bad memories. I still remember them, but that is the LAST thing I remember. I believe in forgiveness. I believe that forgiving gives you a sense of relief. There is no need to carry around extra stresses. I can't say that I would change anything about my past. I am the person I am because of my past. Your past doesn't define you, but it does help build you. I don't know who I would be today if anything were any different. I know I would still have my family. But then theres that chance that I wouldn't have had the family I have acquired along the way. I would never be willing to give up the umpteen people that love and care about me, for the one person that was supposed to protect me, but in turn, turned out to be the one that hurt me. I look at my family, I look at my friends, and I couldn't phathom hurting them. Heck, I look at my damn dogs after I spank them and feel terrible. You just don't hurt the people you love. PERIOD. Yesterday my SIL and I were talking, (it was one of my bad days) she said she doesn't know how I function normally. Sometimes I really don't know either. The best answer for that, would be my family. There are some days that they can't help, but of course..

Let me introduce you to the people that carry me through the brightest days, and darkest nights. 

(FYI, Dayton is not listed because he is special and has his own tab, but he very much so brightens my day. Especially when he steps in dog poop with his bare feet, which he just did.)

My mama. Most beautiful soul I have ever met. I love her more than words can say. When I am weak, she is strong and vice versa. She raised me with the unconditional love that a mother should give their child. She let me make my own mistakes. I believe that has helped me SO much. I have a lot more than most 22 year olds, and I owe that all to her. 

The immediate family.

The whole Shabang.

The ones who have accepted me as their own. 

My absolute perfect nieces. 

My soulmate.

My Best Friend and Baby O

And the ones that have been there through it all. (with princess Morgan)

God, for some amazing reason, has blessed me with these wonderful people. And I thank him for it every day. I have learned something from everyone of these people. How to love, how to laugh, how to cry, how to have fun. I've gained patience through my nieces, and learned that something so small can take up the biggest space in your heart. Without these people, I truly believe I would be nothing. I would have nothing. Family is the most important thing to me. And these people are the absolute definition of it. 

On that note, I must bid you adieu. 

Feb 21, 2014

Love me or Hate me.

         I am the type of person that you either love, or you hate. I am pretty easy to get along with, as long as you have a personality. I am VERY sarcastic, VERY blunt,a smart ass and I have chronic bitch face. You can't really tell if I am ever joking or not. I don't really ever mean to come off rude, sometimes it just happens. My best friend informed me that before I meet anyone new in her life, she warns them that I come off as a bitch, but I am really not.... I'm not really ashamed. I can't force my face to change. Though I should probably try and work on my facial expressions, because when people say stupid things, I look at them like they just said.. something stupid. But then again, is that really my fault? Don't say something stupid. Of course I usually know who I can and can't be sarcastic with. One thing I can't stand though, is the people who can dish it out, but can't take it. I like to think of myself as a funny person. I mean, I crack up at the things that I say. But, who doesn't do that. There are a lot of people I don't like. Right now, I can't tell you anyone I hate. Hating someone weighs very heavily on my heart. And ain't no body got time for that. Because believe me, hating someone has more effect on you than on that person.

This cracked me up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a very nice person as well. I have many good qualities, just like the ones stated above because there is absolutely nothing wrong with sarcasm, or being blunt. I am a very caring person. I put others before me, always. I am very motherly, I tend to mother my own mother. I also don't believe in being fake. I don't kiss ass. I can't do it, something inside of me just refuses. But what can you do?

Today is day 5 of my challenge. I am still feeling great. I am sleepy today, but that is just because it is Friday and I am ready to go home! I still have plenty of energy when I wake up in the mornings. Its not as hard as it was last week. I am hoping that after the challenge I stick with eating the way that I have been. I haven't been craving anything bad. I did have ONE Reese Pieces egg last night and it was glorious. I don't believe in cheating yourself entirely. I think that sets you up for a HUGE failure. But, I am also the type of person who can't have a cheat meal. Because, if i have a cheat meal, something in my head will trigger an excuse "well you've ruined the whole day, now you have to start over Monday." and it'll be on a damn Tuesday. Everyone knows that you can't start a proper diet unless its on a Monday, right? But then again, you might as well do it, because the time will pass anyways. So you can either make progress, or you can dig your hole deeper. Which is obviously what I have done for a while now. Everyone is different. Everyone needs a different push. I can tell YOU exactly how to lose weight, exactly how to exercise. But can I tell myself that? No. There are so many people out there who are like just do it, just do it. Its not that simple. Its not something that you can change over night. Its not a switch. I promise you, do you think people like being fat? NO. If I could wake up in the morning and have the mind set that I will never pick up another fattening thing again, or say that I will work out every day of my life until I lose the weight that I need to, I would. When someone lives a certain way for 22 years, and then is trying to change their life, I guarantee you its not going to happen over night. Support. Support is what people need. I am of course guilty of criticising as well. And I shouldn't, you don't know until you have been there. Until you have felt that person's pain, experienced that person's thoughts. Its easier said than done. I have said many many times before that I would much rather be addicted to a drug than to food. You NEED food. You need food to survive. Its not like I can just quit food. I am an extremely picky eater. I have gotten a little better. I wish that I liked more things, but my taste buds refuse. I am hoping that I can improve myself. I have accepted that it will take time. I don't like it, but either I use the time to improve or worsen.

On that note, I must bid you adieu.